maybe if my legs weren’t so fat I could actually dress the way I want to and not feel like absolute shit
The amount of hate I have for myself is ridiculous
Man I thought I was getting better for such a long time
but today when I was trying on new clothes for the first time in a while woah
I feel so damn disgusting
I often feel conflicted
of my thoughts regarding you
Whether it be love or doubt
my heart is going through
I often muse
the days away
with what it would be like
If we could be in love some time
and if it would feel
My chest it pumps
with thoughts of us
and blushes do ensue
But still I often
of what my heart is going through.
I want to feel your skin
hold your hand
and smell your hair
Intangible at this distance,
I feel like it’s unfair
These feelings so ephemeral
could last forever
if they tried
I’ll never be so certain though
my tears have dried
Tell me that you love me
but please don’t
not too soon
For I still am unsure
of what my heart
is going through
Have you ever felt so
Nobody could possibly
ever want to spend the rest of their life with you
why would they ever want to?
Wow wow wow
Have you ever just looked at yourself
and just thought
Wow what a FUCKING loser. What a fucking failure of a human being.
Jesus Christ I really can’t do anything right and I just want to sit in my room and cry for the rest of my life. Oh man oh god I just. I don’t want to even leave the house tomorrow. I feel so sick.
I have a problem.
I don’t know what to do about it either.
This is a little, well a lot personal, but I need to share it somewhere. I’ve kept this pent up for months, I need a release.
Whenever I see something sexual, feel something sexual, think something sexual, to the point where it captivates my brain and my thoughts, I feel utterly disgusting.
No matter how positive or love-based those feelings are, I resent myself for it. I feel like I’m just feeling something so wrong, like I am not deserving of thoughts like that. I feel like I’m almost committing some kind of crime.
And you know what I do about it?
I slash my ankles. Scratchy cuts that burn thoughout the day so that I’ll remember not to do that. Not to think those thoughts, feel those things, when I see a guy I like, the burning of the cuts will send me a not-so friendly reminder to not even dare feel anything about him.
It’s so strange, it’s so impulsive, but I just can’t stop myself.
And it’s sick. I have no other urge to self-harm, despite the rest of my troubles.
That’s why I make them invisible, because I don’t feel suicidal, I don’t feel what most self-harmers feel when I do it. I do it as a reminder, a punishment for myself.
I don’t know what to do about it. It’s getting so excessive.
All my friends at school always call me out for being quiet and a little down.
I always use the excuse that I’m running on 3 hours of sleep. (However, that is also true.)
In truth, I just can’t wait to get away from them. I just can’t wait to get home and talk to people that actually make me happy.
I hate everyone I hate everyone I hate everyone
School is already driving me MAD with all of these new people. I’ve made a group of “friends” and I already feel like they hate my guts.
I wake up at 6am, for me I only get about 4 hours of sleep. I have to run from class to class in 100 degree weather, during break I have to pretend I’m interested in the shit my friends talk about before bolting to my next class to make sure I don’t get there late.
The only good part of my day is geometry, because the coolest girl in the entire world is in that class. I swear I have the HUGEST platonic crush on this chick. But I’m pretty sure she already thinks I am some no-life weirdo, especially since my “friends” have dragged me away from her twice when she wanted to have lunch with me.
I just hate my life. I hate the friends I have and I just want to stay home. I don’t mind the schoolwork one ounce, I just wish I didn’t have to deal with all these people. I wish I could sleep at night without having a stomachache from dreading the next day. I just hate. hate. hate. everything right now.
I don’t want to go to high school
I don’t want to talk to people
I don’t want to deal with the stupidity and ignorance of every fucking teenager
I just want to read and write and play video games.
I just hate people. I’ve been betrayed and thrown away so many times, I just don’t want to trust anyone anymore.
I just hate people. I hate them.